I’m failing at this motherhood thing. I thought it would be easier. And I tried so hard to make it work. My heart was swelling like a balloon and I wanted so badly to protect and love this little creature that I’d been cocooning in my body for the past 41 weeks.
But people came in the night and stole her away. And hurt her over and over again with needles. They separated us after not even 24 hours. They separated us right out of the womb. They took her away to the crash cart and I had waited so long to see her and waited and waited and no one would let me see her.
And then the NICU. The forced feedings and her lunging at my breast and then cringing from it. Her red face all wrinkled up. Tears staining her cheeks and mine.
I’m tired. I tried so hard to establish a bond but there was some doctor or nurse or lactation consultant in the way the whole first week of her life and then it was just sheer fucking exhaustion. I’ve never had a chance to recover. I’ve never had a chance at a full night’s sleep or a decent long shower.
And then… this whole time I thought our relationship was like a partnership.
“We’re supposed to be a team,” He says.
How come all the shirts says “Daddy’s Girl” but I’m the one who carried her for 10 months? I’m the one who has lost all the sleep and gained all the weight and permanently distorted her body.
I’m the one whose life has been thrown into complete chaos.
Everything changed for me. And you can’t even give up your night’s sleep or your fucking game night.
I feel broken. I feel like the chances I had at connecting with my baby is lost. Was lost. I haven’t had time to mourn… life feels so surreal right now.
It’s hard to know how much of my relationship with this new person is faking it, sheer grit and determination, shocked acceptance, and real, honest to goodness love. I don’t understand what’s happening to me or my body half the time. I’m in some kind of weird mental state where things just don’t make sense.
I’m so disconnected from my own emotions – it is sad. I am so fucking sad. That seems to be the only thing that breaks through the grey clouds of my life right now – the sadness. I want to translate that to happiness and elation.
I WANT TO SLEEP. But I can’t. Food has lost it’s luster. I can barely be bothered to change my clothes on a daily basis. I cringe at the idea of pumping at my poor, abused breasts anymore than needed but there’s no stock supply of milk in the fridge. She is drinking it as fast as I’m producing. I’m losing all the battles.
Everything I wanted to do – all I wanted for me and my baby got derailed and I can’t get the cars back on the track.
I’m just sad and alone. There’s no chance for sleep now. The baby is waking up.
Melinda Not Mindy 